BACHELOR BANISHMENT: C-word dropper thrown out after big lie

 

The Bachelor's most notorious name-caller has become tangled in her own web of lies as we sort through the rubble of the C-bomb explosion - but just as she makes her situation worse and is promptly banished, the woman we all thought was innocent reveals a sinister side we didn't anticipate.

Cantaloupes are still being thrown tonight. If this makes no sense, you will need to catch up quickly if you want to be in this fun club.

We're only here to see more people yell the phrase "dog cantaloupe" and then cheer when the dame who threw the first cantaloupe gets banished. More people in life should be banished.

READ ALL THE JAMES WEIR RECAPS HERE

Tonight, more lies and allegations emerge.

"Abbie has a hit list!" Sogand screams. Firstly, lol. Secondly, huge if true. But also, is it handwritten or are the names spelt out with cutout magazine letters? We'll wait and see because Abbie is not all she seems.

After last night's ugly scenes, the mansion is now a toxic pit. The air is thick with animosity. There's a clear divide and sides are forming between Abbie and Monique.

Other reality shows can just go too far - not taking into account the welfare of its contestants. But The Bachelor is different. Tonight's aim is to mend the rift between Abbie and Monique. So Osher arms each girl with a pair of garden shears and pushes them out onto a field. The first one to cut the other's ponytail off wins.

This is how I solve all workplace differences.
This is how I solve all workplace differences.

Both of them lose so we give the date to Vakoo, who spends the whole evening laughing at Matt and then he huffs that she's too young and, look, we get it - no one enjoys being laughed at on a date.

C-WORD SCANDAL: James Weir recaps The Bachelor ep 5

Chelsie the chemical engineer gets the next single date and it's around now Abbie starts to seem just slightly unhinged.

"I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT CHELSEA BEING IN SWIMMERS AROUND MATT!" she screams.

Welp, we’re not really happy about this weird mime artist outfit, Abbie.
Welp, we’re not really happy about this weird mime artist outfit, Abbie.

Matt has started doing this weird thing where he suddenly tries to sound more masc. It's happened a few times. On this date, he lowers his voice an octave and growls stuff like, "I love baking, and I'm man enough to admit it!" Like, relax, no one's going to call you a big ol' lady. You're allowed to use a kitchen.

Then instead of just eating the cake he makes with Chelsie and continuing on with the date, he lowers his voice again and grunts something else.

"I'll just cut it down the guts. Phwoar! That looks insaaaane!" he growls.

Mate, it's cake - just take the whole thing into your bed and eat it alone like a normal person.

I'm surprised he isn't worried the word "cake" seems too femme and instead calls it a "food brick".

Boys are weird.

‘Mmmm bloody oath, that's a good food brick.’
‘Mmmm bloody oath, that's a good food brick.’

"So what's the future look like for you?" he asks Chelsie. This is such a lazy date question - be a bit more specific and show some genuine interest.

What's my future look like? Well, I've got a facial at 4pm, an STI test booked in for Tuesday and, beyond that, I really just plan on doing a lot of eating.

Anyway, Chelsie's date ends … well.

No comment.
No comment.

At the cocktail party, dog cantaloupes are still on everyone's lips.

Ew.

Anyway.

"Monique called Matt a dog cantaloupe and I told him because it's the truth of what happened and also because I want him to send her home, so hopefully Monique goes home tonight," Abbie states robotically, not realising she has quickly revealed herself to be a complete nutbag clinger.

But instead of noticing this important development, Matt's more focused on eradicating Monique, and he goes back for round two.

"It's not what Monique said that I'm having trouble with. It's the lie," he tells us.

Monique has had 24 hours to think about this and she has come prepared with a solid defence: she claims to have advanced memory loss.

"I can't physically say, 'Yes I said that sentence', because I still don't think I said that sentence. And I remember that conversation with Rachael - we were in stitches laughing," she begins.

But when asked to recall what that hilarious conversation was about, her memory begins to rapidly deteriorate more.

"It was something along the lines of … I don't know … like … what was it …" she stares down, pretending to rack her brain. "Look, I just can't remember. Like, I genuinely just can't remember. I have a shocking memory. I genuinely do."

Matt might be a big ol' lady who loves to cook fancy cakes, but he's not an idiot.

"She's just doubling down on the lie!" he grits his teeth.

Matt stares at Monique and, for a second, she thinks he's flirting. She even has to clarify, just to be sure.

"You … don't want me to be here anymore?" she ponders.

And then he does it. He throws her out of the mansion like a rotten cantaloupe - and, by that, I just mean a regular cantaloupe.

She's banished!

"I think it's for the best you leave the mansion," he asserts.

As Matt walks her to the Uber, Osher rolls in and tells the other girls. Abbie has been practising her "shocked" expression and is finally gifted the opportunity to pretend like she's surprised Monique is axed, even though she co-ordinated the exit.

‘Huh? What?’
‘Huh? What?’

But she really couldn't give a damn. This was her plan all along: get Monique eliminated at all costs. She pulls us into a garden and refuses to look us in the eye. She's giggling uncontrollably.

"Am I happy Monique's gone? Like, obviously," she mumbles.

Abbie, we’d like to search your room for Osher’s garden shears.
Abbie, we’d like to search your room for Osher’s garden shears.

Matt returns and he's not done culling dames. The rose ceremony goes ahead as planned and Vakoo is dragged out by her wig but she'll be fine. She's a queen.

About 15 kilometres away, Monique is seething in an Uber. Angry back seat eviction monologues are our favourite because it's like the girls think they're no longer part of the show and not being filmed anymore.

"I bet you Abbie will start crying, playing the victim card. She's just so messed up. I just hope she gets help," she spits and, look, we get Abbie's crazy but, Monique, you called Matt a dog cantaloupe and people heard you.

She wisely concludes: "There's no point in reasoning with an idiot."

Mmhmm. Mhhmmm. Completely agree with you, Monique. But might we add, there's also no point trying to seem self-righteous while doing a bitter back seat eviction monologue.

Due to the poor lighting and camera angle, you end up looking like, well, a cantaloupe.

New LinkedIn pic xx
New LinkedIn pic xx

For more observations on food bricks and dressing like a mime, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir


This map should terrify us all

This map should terrify us all

We can expect more extreme bush fire seasons that rage for longer

Young girls build confidence

Young girls build confidence

Workshop provides supportive space to encourage self-expression.

Major brewer feels the sting of ring pull beer caps

Major brewer feels the sting of ring pull beer caps

There's a beer backlash brewing across Australia